Hellogoodbye

I was up late and made this for one of my favorite bands!

Don't Be Fucking Sad!

I've noticed something about the people around me. No, not immediate family or friends but the general populace and even tertiary friends. They all seem to be so sad, all the time and not really for any reason. You pass a man on the street wearing nice clothes, with a gorgeous wife and wonderful children and yet he has the saddest eyes. It's like people now a days don't know how to be happy, how to cope with anything around them.

Take me for example, when I get sad, I have reasons. They aren't anything so large they are beyond the scope of man or sinister and esoteric. If I am sad about having no money then I have no god damned reason to bitch. If I want more money then I need to go make more money. Though in general I am quite a happy person. I have a good family, food in my belly, friends who love me and a roof over my head. I have nothing to truly be sad about. Yes I am a single, overweight, gay man with a mild god complex and a love of all things unhealthy but this isn't a real reason to be unhappy. Now if I was at the bottom of a tiger pit, impaled on spikes then yeah I get a free pass to be fucking depressed.

But alas I am here living in California and enjoying a good life. Yet when I see friends of mine get depressed, it puzzles me as to why. Because from what I see they each have a pretty sweet deal. Now I get that they have their own reasons for it and a method to their madness but it still boggles me. All of the negative things in my life, truly are choices so in all fairness I don't have a right to be sad. I just don't get a free pass to be pissy or angry because I'm chubby and I smoke. Jesus christ people these are defining character traits that make me who I am. That make up my own personality. Without them what would I be? Another thin pretty person who skated by on good looks and charm but is so fucking two dimensional, they can't bare to be in a room by themselves? No, that isn't me, I don't get the right to be sad for no reason! If I lose a leg fighting for my countries freedom then sure I can, but as an overfed lazy American, I don't get shit.

I get to buck up and quit bitching like all of you should. I am so fucking tired of pointless sadness because a shirt isn't black enough or I can't find the right guy so I whore around as much as possible, yet being a whore makes me sad. No you fucking don't. It's called take charge of your shitty life and quit being a cunt. Thats it, life is as simple as that. Two rules:

1. Don't be a cunt.
2. Take charge of your own shitty life.

These are two of the fundamental laws of this world. Hell if I had a math degree, I am sure I could find an equation that says these two rules.

So fuck self help books, fuck therapists and fuck Dr.Phil and Maury and all that shit. Follow these two simple rules and you can attain whatever you seek and the best part is, they are so stupidly simple. Don't let changeable problems bring you down, you are better than that. You are a modern day human. The human species evolved through countless generations of trial and error, crawling inch by inch through the shit soup of life to finally be where we are today. We did not drags ourselves thousands of years for you to shit your self complaining that you got whole milk instead of skim in your shitty coffee!

So don't be another sheep and be sad because you broke a heel, or your kids aren't smart enough or you wasted your life. Pick your dumb ass off the ground and keep marching.

Now go take a hot shower, sit your ass down and think about what I just said....

Shitting His Pants...

So the thing is, I like to go to conventions. Whether it is a furry, anime, comic book or hell even a cheese con. I will go. Mostly for the new experience, the people and the drinking. When I go to these things I drink heavily and since I go to very few a year I don't have the fear of it becoming an alcohol related problem. I will take part in a minor way that way I don't look like the drunk guy with no business being at the convention. So Instead I look like the drunk asshole who is here for a reason. This can be something as simple as donning a tail and ears at a furry convention or carrying around a stupid swag bag at ComiCon. These help one blend into their surroundings when in unknown territory.

Now this particular incident happened at a furry convention. Now believe me when I tell you that most of my funny stories happen at furry conventions. This con was Further Confusion in 2010. I had been there since Thursday and been drinking since about 10 minutes after I got there, mostly tequila. I went with a handful of friends and there was 6 of us running around this hotel, causing all sorts of mischief. For the most part we would pair up and wreak havoc then splinter off and rejoin others in our party and cause more chaos. This is how our group operates, by diverging and rejoining, we not only hear the funny stories but we maximize the opportunity for more funny incidents.

So this was late Saturday night, around 3:30 or so in the morning. I had just left our hotel room on the 17th floor to head back down to the lobby and enjoy myself. Now as I was thoroughly shit faced. Not just buzzed or hammered but just faced. The kind of drunk where you lose your balance standing still. Well as I am wobbling and waiting another guy walks up and waits near me for the elevator.I reach into my pocket and pull out a giant bottle of tequila and a salt shaker, by this time I was out of lime. I salted my hand and took a shot from the bottle and offered it to the guy out of common courtesy. Well after what seemed a drunk eternity the elevator dings and I step onto the elevator and hit the lobby button.

Well I look over at the guy and he gives me this awkward sort of smile. It made me tip my head because it wasn't the "I want to fuck/fight/talk business with you" kind of smile. This beast was something else. It made me look him up and down and really look at what this guy was wearing.

He had on about 30 different badges he had made of his "furry" character, which of course looked nothing like him. Jeans which oddly enough were really puffy around his crotch, hips and ass. This at the time was most peculiar. I looked back up at his face as he blushed. Then I heard why...

This nasty goat was into process of shitting his pants. Not quietly but very, very loudly. He was straining to mess himself. All I could hear in this dead silent elevator was the hot sick, wet meat sound of him soiling his pants. Then I realized that his smile was not a "how do you do" but a "Baby just soiled himself, will you change me daddy?" This made me panic because he was now giggling and blushing harder and trying to be cute. It wasn't working at all considering a grown ass adult just purposefully shit himself on the off chance I was into. Of which I am not, in reality it was fuckin' creeping me the creep out.

So obviously in abject horror I panic and press the next floor button, which happened to be floor 15. All of this happened in the space of barely two floors. I duck out of that elevating shit box and haul ass to the stairs. Now I'm not skinny at all but I booked it down these stairs as fast as I could, with my tequila in one hand and shot glass in the other. I was on a god damned mission.

I ran down these damn stairs so fast I beat the fucking elevator. Racing across the lobby I near slam through the glass downs and find my friends. Breathing hard I recite the incident to my friends and punctuating the story with pantomime and smell description. I then fall on the floor laughing so hard I almost blacked out.

This is only the first funny incident at a fur con. The next time I will tell you about how I met Devo.