So the thing is, I like to go to conventions. Whether it is a furry, anime, comic book or hell even a cheese con. I will go. Mostly for the new experience, the people and the drinking. When I go to these things I drink heavily and since I go to very few a year I don't have the fear of it becoming an alcohol related problem. I will take part in a minor way that way I don't look like the drunk guy with no business being at the convention. So Instead I look like the drunk asshole who is here for a reason. This can be something as simple as donning a tail and ears at a furry convention or carrying around a stupid swag bag at ComiCon. These help one blend into their surroundings when in unknown territory.
Now this particular incident happened at a furry convention. Now believe me when I tell you that most of my funny stories happen at furry conventions. This con was Further Confusion in 2010. I had been there since Thursday and been drinking since about 10 minutes after I got there, mostly tequila. I went with a handful of friends and there was 6 of us running around this hotel, causing all sorts of mischief. For the most part we would pair up and wreak havoc then splinter off and rejoin others in our party and cause more chaos. This is how our group operates, by diverging and rejoining, we not only hear the funny stories but we maximize the opportunity for more funny incidents.
So this was late Saturday night, around 3:30 or so in the morning. I had just left our hotel room on the 17th floor to head back down to the lobby and enjoy myself. Now as I was thoroughly shit faced. Not just buzzed or hammered but just faced. The kind of drunk where you lose your balance standing still. Well as I am wobbling and waiting another guy walks up and waits near me for the elevator.I reach into my pocket and pull out a giant bottle of tequila and a salt shaker, by this time I was out of lime. I salted my hand and took a shot from the bottle and offered it to the guy out of common courtesy. Well after what seemed a drunk eternity the elevator dings and I step onto the elevator and hit the lobby button.
Well I look over at the guy and he gives me this awkward sort of smile. It made me tip my head because it wasn't the "I want to fuck/fight/talk business with you" kind of smile. This beast was something else. It made me look him up and down and really look at what this guy was wearing.
He had on about 30 different badges he had made of his "furry" character, which of course looked nothing like him. Jeans which oddly enough were really puffy around his crotch, hips and ass. This at the time was most peculiar. I looked back up at his face as he blushed. Then I heard why...
This nasty goat was into process of shitting his pants. Not quietly but very, very loudly. He was straining to mess himself. All I could hear in this dead silent elevator was the hot sick, wet meat sound of him soiling his pants. Then I realized that his smile was not a "how do you do" but a "Baby just soiled himself, will you change me daddy?" This made me panic because he was now giggling and blushing harder and trying to be cute. It wasn't working at all considering a grown ass adult just purposefully shit himself on the off chance I was into. Of which I am not, in reality it was fuckin' creeping me the creep out.
So obviously in abject horror I panic and press the next floor button, which happened to be floor 15. All of this happened in the space of barely two floors. I duck out of that elevating shit box and haul ass to the stairs. Now I'm not skinny at all but I booked it down these stairs as fast as I could, with my tequila in one hand and shot glass in the other. I was on a god damned mission.
I ran down these damn stairs so fast I beat the fucking elevator. Racing across the lobby I near slam through the glass downs and find my friends. Breathing hard I recite the incident to my friends and punctuating the story with pantomime and smell description. I then fall on the floor laughing so hard I almost blacked out.
This is only the first funny incident at a fur con. The next time I will tell you about how I met Devo.
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